I recently tried on-line dating. I don’t know why, exactly, because I actually have no desire to go on a date. When I realized that I was not enjoying this process, I wondered why I was doing it in the first place. I think it was because it felt like this is what I am “supposed” to do now. I’m happy and healthy. I’ve identified that reasons for my past decisions so I won’t repeat them in the future. I’m in a place where I definitely do not “need” a man, for affirmation, affection, attention, or anything else. I practice enough self-love that I no longer feel like there is any love missing from my life. So, after 5 and a half years, this should be the time to test the waters, right?
Wrong. Just so, so wrong. I halfheartedly engaged in cyber-conversations. Once or twice I made the mistake of texting directly. Every time someone wanted to communicate with me, I felt annoyance. If they wanted to meet me, I felt panic because I lacked any desire, whatsoever, to actually meet them. This was definitely a sign that even though I think I’m ready, I’m apparently not willing. My life is so full of things that I need and want to take care of, so there simply isn’t room for anything, or anyone, else.
It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be in another relationship. I don’t know the answer to that question, but I know I’ll be alright either way.