Nothing ventured, nothing gained?

I recently tried on-line dating.  I don’t know why, exactly, because I actually have no desire to go on a date.  When I realized that I was not enjoying this process, I wondered why I was doing it in the first place.  I think it was because it felt like this is what I am “supposed” to do now.  I’m happy and healthy.  I’ve identified that reasons for my past decisions so I won’t repeat them in the future.  I’m in a place where I definitely do not “need” a man, for affirmation, affection, attention, or anything else.  I practice enough self-love that I no longer feel like there is any love missing from my life.  So, after 5 and a half years, this should be the time to test the waters, right?

Wrong.  Just so, so wrong.  I halfheartedly engaged in cyber-conversations.  Once or twice I made the mistake of texting directly.  Every time someone wanted to communicate with me, I felt annoyance.  If they wanted to meet me, I felt panic because I lacked any desire, whatsoever, to actually meet them.  This was definitely a sign that even though I think I’m ready, I’m apparently not willing.  My life is so full of things that I need and want to take care of, so there simply isn’t room for anything, or anyone, else.

It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be in another relationship.  I don’t know the answer to that question, but I know I’ll be alright either way.

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